A journey of 1000 miles starts with a first step.

I feel like a social experiment gone wrong.I don’t know how to explain or quantify it. I sometimes look at the way my life is and I wonder if I’m acting a movie;is someone out there pulling the strings?😯😯😯

Anyway…….

 

Today I got the loveliest compliment. πŸ˜ƒ Two friends told me that they found me exquisitely beautiful.**blushh***

Sad to admit though; Β I Immediately recoiled and wondered what kind of sick joke they were playing. Did someone told them to say that to me? I then started justifying why I wasn’t beautiful and it hit me (after they said it many times though) that I hadn’t even said thank you for such a wonderful compelement that many girls and women yearn to hear every day.

 

I am going somewhere with this….

The other day I attended the Boy meets girl volume three edition( a very big shout out to the wonderful panelist that talked and helped us see a little bit about love and life from an older more mature perspectiveπŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘).

Why did I attend? Well..Coz I was dumped.πŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆ Woosh I actually said that out loud..I know what your thinking;” gosh Wangechi we’ve all been dumped one time or another get over yourself” and now your wondering why I would go to such a forum where they would talk about love and I am just out of a relationship😳😳😳.

For starters I wanted to hear from a male perspective what they think relationships to be and what they mean to them. See after a break up most people;though let me speak on my behalf, tend to go through phases.

Stage one:-grief (though not many have this per say)

Stage two:-you claim that Β the guy doesn’t know what he lost.he lost a gem in you,a great thing that is meant to be cherished.

Stage Three:- you begin to ask yourself “what in the world have I done to lose such an incredible guy?” You shift the blame game inward and if not taken care of will lead to self depreciation.

P.S- I’m Still discovering the other stages

I was stuck on phase 3; rather been stuck for a while now. I’d wake up and look at myself,I would and can still see how far I’ve crawled,fought and cried through to become the person I am today and wonder if creating this persona led Β to me driving the “one” away.yes I thought I had found the one..😢😢.the impeccable gentleman who would hold my heart and my Hand through life. The gentleman who would share experiences and joys and tears with.

It wasn’t meant to be..I told myself over and over again until I got used to not seeing his name on my call log, or texts or whatsapp thread. I told myself that he did me a favor. I became angry. Angry that he wasn’t affected at all. Angry at myself for being weak and letting it consume my mind

and that is how I went to the forum …An angry bitter woman with a bone to pick.

Funny though how God works right?πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡ He uses a situation to humble you or grow you. For me he did both. He humbled me by showing me that my ego and my insensitivity to certain issues is what made me lose ” the one” and also grew me by giving me an epiphany. One speaker of the day said that Β ” you may have found the one for you but you may not be the one for them“.. I’ll let that sink in for a little bit.😳😳😳😩😩😩😩😣😯😯

My mum, a few weeks ago, shared with me that she thought I kept putting too much of my self growth in the hands of those I date. See my mother and I are very close; I tell her almost everything. So when I told her that I was dumped imagine my shock when she said that !!.. how dare she right? But after a few days of thinking about it, I actually saw the truth of it all.Β I may begin the journey to self improvement but I never end up finishing it ,coz I hand the job over to someone who is incapable of doing it. It’s not their job to make me happy or fulfilled that’s on me and that’s the lesson I had to learn through this season.

That’s why I made a conscious decision to be single for the next few years.my mother is skeptical though, which is funny but I’m sure I will learn a lot about myself in the next year or two than I would have. I yearn to learn to depend on myself rather on others to help me; to learn how to alone but not lonely;to be able to enjoy my own company and savor the moments; to be able to love myself so deeply that any negativity won’t impede my happiness but rather be used to better myself.

 

Why blog about it? Coz I need to be accountable to someone other than my mother .. it’s a continuous journey they say. Β But in that journey you have to go inward to find truth.

 

I’m ready to start my journey . It’s been a long time coming but I’m excited and scared all at once .more excited though!!

 

When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.

See you on the next one😊😊😊

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Have you ever sat down and imagined yourself as a poised, self reliant lady who requires nothing from others but just yourself. Ive been dreaming of the day I can stand tall in front of the mirror and see just how self reliant I have grown to be. I can’t wait to be like her..

Biko wrote right through my heart..

 

 

 

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