Have you ever sat down and imagined yourself as a poised, self reliant lady who requires nothing from others but just yourself. Ive been dreaming of the day I can stand tall in front of the mirror and see just how self reliant I have grown to be. I can’t wait to be like her..

Biko wrote right through my heart..

 

 

 

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crevices, folds…the extra layer

yes you :-)

yes you 🙂

This past few weeks has been gruesome on me physically and emotionally. With CATS and looming finals breathing down my neck, I forgot to take time for myself this month to evaluate ME. Its March y’all…\o/. I don’t know whether it’s my approaching birthday that’s making me so animated or the holiday that I am looking more forward to, regardless three months of this beautiful year has come to pass and it seems so unreal doesn’t it? I had a set list of things to do each month and this month I was to write myself a letter but I decided to talk about something that is a bit delicate to me WEIGHT AND BEAUTY. I’m going through a “lets-discover-Wangechi-year” that it’s just getting better and better with each passing day  🙂 .
Recently I was chatting with a friend of mine about how I wanted to join a gym to get into form as I wasn’t particularly fervent about how I presently look and in the mid of that tête-à-tête she asked me what happened to my stand on loving me as I am. She continued to add that she doesn’t understand why people can’t admit to what they don’t like about themselves and stop using pre-self-love statements.*A moment of silence for such deep thoughts* This got to me…. It made me think about myself and I had to face a demon I didn’t particularly want to fight…

that's me.....* hides*

that’s me…..* hides*

I don’t like my body… there I’ve said it…but despite not liking my body I love myself.. Do you get me? See, growing up I have associated beauty with skinny girls, thin girls; Girls with flat bellies and a thigh gap. I’ve looked on while my “skinny” friends fit into those cute pants, cute tops, cute bras and I would envy them. I would covet how easy it was for them to look pretty without even trying. I would admire, wish upon the gods to take away the extra on me that was not on my friends and every day I would look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see. I suffered through my teenage years thinking that skinny was beautiful, making assumptions that having a 34 C was the definition of perfect. I wanted to be lean, thin, sexy and fabulous. I believed that if I was so and so’s (excuse my Nairobi grammar) size, all of my issues would go away and I had ISSUES…a lot of them. So I worked at it; I exercised, dieted, cut off certain things thinking that I would feel better at the end of the day and for a while I did.
I lost 5 kilos and that was the best day of my life (FYI it’s not anymore). I was excited, ecstatic rather…everything was falling into place; my path to true happiness was coming along great. After a while the excitement died and despite losing SOME weight I still didn’t feel beautiful enough. I felt like the ugly duckling walking around with Barbie making her look good while no one paid attention to me. It was a waking nightmare that never ended… every day I found something bad in myself and I used it to tear myself down. I tore my friendships apart because of it and I was left wandering what now? What next?
It wasn’t until last year April, right after my birthday actually, that I realized that being PLUS SIZED (mildly putting it) wasn’t a bad thing. I had to figure out that beauty is NOT defined by my SIZE but rather by who I am as a person and dam nit that was a tough lesson to learn & it was an humiliating lesson as well. I figured that loving every inch of my body, every cellulite, every extra flab, and every stretch mark is what TRUE SELF-LOVE is all about. I needed to fall in love with ME… I purposed to do just that.
Every day I woke up I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself one virtuous thing about myself. I celebrated My eyes- for showing true emotions and not hiding behind a façade of lies; My lips- for speaking on what I like and what I don’t like; My skin- for being tough against a lot of things set out against me (figuratively speaking); My brains- for being smart, creative& intuitive; My heart- for seeking love and giving love, getting hurt and getting up again. I praised my stomach- for holding all my crap and farting it all out and my thighs- for being resilient as it held the weight of my body etc. Every single day I said something nice and in time (after about 9 months) I came to  start falling in love every single inch of me. I’m not there yet though…but still working. 🙂

big girls 1
I still workout (when I remember to coz of my chaotic schedule); I mean health before anything else right?I’m starting again from scratch though now with a different mindset of why I’ll be working out . I’ve come to realize though that if I do love myself the way I should then size doesn’t matter. I should just fine-tune this remarkable creation of God. I am still preaching “pro-self-love” I know but I say this still having days where I battle with the little demon whispering in my ear. I still “fall” and have days when I don’t like myself but I figure it’s a learning process and I’m still growing and still have a lot to learn.

yes!!!!!!!!!!!

yes!!!!!!!!!!!

If YOU are reading this and you don’t like something particular about yourself don’t worry, it happens. Even the models have those days…what you we need to do is find a happy center for those days, a happy place in our thoughts that can take us back to loving yourself even if you’re eating an unhealthy snack( hey Oreos) 😉

take me and marry me Oreos

take me and marry me Oreos

So cheers to March and to loving ourselves…

Always Wangechi

To the man who will one day hold my heart

simple but so beautiful

simple but so beautiful

To you; my future, a piece of my smile, a portion of my bliss, a segment of my heart, I write you a letter; a letter bearing smithereens of me laid out, so that when you do arrive at the edge of my gated heart, you may not be dismayed by the pack of wolves and the huge walls barricading such a small but fundamental piece of me, Wangechi, your future, your consort, the mother of your children.
I may or may not have met you already, but if I have then I am glad we are friends now. Friends because all things, rather all true things, must have a foundation, a solid base and ours shall be friendship. Lucky for you, age has taught me how to choose my friends wisely. Don’t be shocked by my number of followers on twitter or Instagram being so many.Many of them just being that followers, bag-piped dreamers I acquaint with from day to day. My true friends are those that I know, I feel, I see that their concern, love and critic goes beyond covetous idealisms. So I know that at some point you shall enter this esteemed club of true friends; and that makes me so glad; for there shall be no lies, no façades, and no demons hidden behind doors and in the crevices of our future. I say no pretenses because you will have fallen for the real me, the crazy me, the passionate me, the loud me and all the other versions of me that I continue to discover daily and I too shall be fall in love with for who you truly are; for friends don’t pretend.

2
We shall have enjoyed each other’s company, the sordid crazy jokes, the god-awful voice you shall have as you try to match pitch with mine as we sing the night away and all other stupid-fun-exhilarating things that we shall do forming banks of reminisce in our old golden years.
We shall have truly come to learn and know about ourselves so that when we are asked who we are, we know, we understand that having a “criteria” isn’t so bad for it is just but a means to sort and sift out all the bad ‘maybes’ and more so the good ‘maybes’ too; who just don’t quite fit because they aren’t US. As my good friend Sally says, if there is no friendship between lovers then it isn’t true love to begin with. Don’t you agree?
On the other hand if we haven’t met, I’m presuming it is for the best for Gods timing is always perfect. I know He is molding you as He is molding me. Truth is, I shall date a few “frogs” before you, my prince, arrive and they will teach me the music, culture, art and most likely the male psyche.
So to whoever you may be, here I am; not quite ready for you just yet but most certain that you are out there. Understanding that you are building your (I mean our) empire as I build mine, I shall not push or shove into your life for everything is already predestined by my first love Jesus Christ. So on that note may I add that though you are my love, Jesus is my eternity; for our work on earth is to please Him and not man. Know that I shall love you with my heart, not all of it though as it belongs to God, my Father in heaven, but I shall love you none the less. I’m not perfect, I will probably say the wrong things but like I always say, imperfections are what make us all uniquely perfect.
So to you my imperfect soul mate I await.

Because I am funny like that :-P

Because I am funny like that 😛

Yours in the future,
Wangechi

UNFOOTED

We are just incomplete creatures living in the abyss of matter trying to find out footing in this thing called life.

shadows

you see what you want to see….

We try and remember the steps taken by the for-bearers who carried the heavy affliction of not knowing exactly what they were doing but never the less valiant enough to take it. They created their own path, their own niche, their own principle of working through the crazy and as the years go by, people see it working and they idealize and put their dreams in THIS enclosed space, trusting and praying that it will work out the same for them as it did for others. They don’t see the struggle, or the tears, the angry “significant other”, the weary parent.

yup

All they see is a success story written on glossy pages of magazines and hear it on prime time television and they envision themselves being you. They will their ambitions, their lives, their resolve with THAT criteria and worry into the night, creating streaks of sorrow and distress and are not at ease with their lives and soon they reason that they are not worth the very thing they sort out to be; because they didn’t see failure in your PLAN, they didn’t see any agony in your plan; they stay up at night, burning the midnight oil, stacking up bills of squandered dreams and elapsed happiness. Who knew?

Sadly they don’t realize that each mind is unalike, each plan inimitably set apart, defined by who we are as individuals, as mortals walking and breathing matter that yes may be the alike but inherently not the same. For each ying has its own yang and no one can separate the two entities.
So why take someone’s yang and assume it will fit for your ying. Baby your ying is special and cannot be defined. Love, you are remarkably talented and no one’s dreams can reach yours. See every mind has the aptitude to be more, to open up and create beautifully crafted ideas, mesh them up and sell it as a package. But sweetie no one will see the silent anguish of failed proposals or will be there in a presentation when the big guy isn’t impressed. See the world is too selfish to care about your torments; all it wants is to celebrate your accomplishment and milk you for it. So be cognizant of those close to you, be vigilant of the wolves in sheep’s clothing called friends; who only want one thing from you. Be aware that even in this life, nothing comes for free but be so virtuous that you repay your dues and you recompense yourself for even great men require a pat in the back.

here's my pat to you

here’s my pat to you

now lets go do something world changing..

You should fart sometime

It’s 11.40pm and I’m bushed, exhausted more than usual. That pathology paper though 😦 . I’m lying here on my bed and I’m thinking how badly i want to fart…don’t go judging me here..here me out 😉 …so here I am under the covers and I want to fart one of those big-let-it-out ripple stinker doodles( we’ve all had them..hehe..don’t be ashamed 😀 )

fart

Its a big ripple and I can feel it forming in my intestines, gradually making its way down south making those god awful noises that aren’t so alluring but always happening when your near that ‘ka-jamaa’ your crushing on..anyway back to my point….I’m in my dark room(lights are off I was going to bed), windows closed( due to my paranoia of stalkers watching me sleep at night, they are forever closed despite the heat- too many criminal minds and stalker episodes I presume) and this fart is coming fast.. I know deep down( and just in case you don’t have the deep connection and intuition feelings with your farts I advise you get checked..:-P )

gut feeling

gotta trust your gut I tell you

Anyway I know deep down that if I let this one out it will be one hell of a rumpus in my room…I have like 3 seconds to decide…to keep it in or to let it out..

If I keep it in I will be the classic bloated goat the entire night and in my current state, sleep is necessary. On the other hand if I let it out under the covers, that would mean that I would have to huff fart the entire night or week for that matter; and if I let it out in the open, the entire room will smell of brouhaha till morning come meaning that it may get onto my clothes, into my closet, onto my bags and I would be a walking stench the entire day( not unless hell freezes over /o\) DILEMMA!!!!!!

OHHHH..this is excruciating….okay decision made…

I let it out and it comes with the exuberance of a young juvenile winning his first duel together with the roar of lions and the sordid laugh of a hyena…you get that horrid but pleasant sound??…It goes on and on and ohhhhh the freedom it brings…..

HALLELUJAAAAAAH….

spongebob

All for the love for sponge bob

After the undulations end, it hits me how suddenly free I feel..Its crazy I know. I needed to let it out and it came out with all the tensions,frustrations,bottled excitements, the ups,downs,crazy and dull moments of the day that were weighing on me……I won’t lie that felt crazy good..\o/

I don’t know about y’all but I think y’all just need to fart, even if its just a little bit before you sleep…Or not :-P; if your sleeping in the same room with others we don’t need cases of suffocation amongst us…but all in all find a way to let it all out before it comes out in other ways…IE diarrhea….and not just the normal one if you get what i mean….

But it stinks in here so let me open the windows for a bit, or the whole night who knows I may conquer my fears tonight as well… 🙂

that breeze though....brrrr

that breeze though….brrrr

See you on the next one …

remember to fart…hehehe

PS:- don’t go judging me if you see me tomorrow 🙂

there is no spongebob without patrick :)

there is no spongebob without patrick 🙂