Family wounds

Have you ever stepped on a splinter and experienced (in my opinion) the worst pain in your life? Then on removing the sucker, you discover it’s such a tiny piece of nothing that made you limp or cry or something. It’s insane right?.

Family is amazing. I love how a bunch of people with different opinions, values, goals and characters can coexist and live in the same household for 18+ years and love each other to extremes that you know that no matter what at least someone has your back.

It’s also amazing how the small things said and done by this amazing bunch of people with different opinions, values.goals and characters can inflict a lifetime of self doubt, self esteem issues and trigger depression or anxiety.

The irony of it all is that it comes from the people said to have “your best interests at heart”. I call bull poop on that because most days the person withyour best interest is yourself.

Recently I was at a family event and I thought I looked darn good. But a family member mentioned how I must be eating every hour on the hour to be the size I was.
Another relative mistook me for someone with the same name as I and took time to explain to me how she was shocked because I was too big to be the other wangechi.

I can mention a couple of things said to me about my weight,, hair, choice of clothes to a function, method of doing mundane tasks that inflicted small splinters into my mental realm that sting up to this day. I can play victim till tomorrow and beyond and refuse to admit that I have also been charged with the same offence.

There are days I feel like utter nonsense and I come out and attack the same to another so that I am not the only one swimming in the pool of self loathing and pity. Woe unto you if you crossed my path during this time.
Woe unto you when I am being impatient either with myself or others and my impatience triggered words and actions that scar for life.

I realize that somethings we say may come out as a joke to you but to the onebeing told it really does affect them. I’m becoming more self aware of what comes Out of my mouth and into the soul of others.

We have to T. H. I. N . K before we speak. Is what we about to spew into the world true, helpful, inspiring, nurturing and kind? If not then DO NOT SPEAK.

Check your thoughts and words before they become daggers and bullets into your daughter /son;brother/sister ; cousin; nephew ; grandchild’s life.

Your next words to your family member could literally change their lives

So be careful about what you speak into and about your relative

One day they won’t be around and you’ll hope that you did things different.

The World doesn’t work like that.. There are No Take-backsides.

Time does not Stop for you to go back in time and change what you said.

Change the Outcome Now by vowing To Speak value into your relative rather than tear them down.

As always
Till the next one
Peace, love and avocado.

Wangechi

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Strike 2

Heyya  lovely humans. How are you? Can you imagine another ten days have passed by? And it’s been three weeks since I started this challenge? Yippee doodoo guys, it’s been that long. Time is passing us by faster than …well I have nothing to compare it to right now. This post is going to be short because it was abit harder to post than the others. I promised myself to be open, honest and vulnerable with myself and others during this journey and I have to keep my word at least yes?

 Have you ever just wanted to quit something? Have you ever wanted something really badly but its like your body fights the mind with what it wants? I know someone will tell me that mind over matter. I know all this, however, it just seems like nothing I am doing is working.

I want to be completely honest with you guys on these 100 days but maannn I don’t know how long I can take failure after failure you know?

Maybe being on vacation as this challenge started maybe is the cause of my not achieving all that I thought it would have by the time this three weeks have gone by…

Anyway, so I have decided to restart the journey as from tomorrow, though I am not changing my timeline. I think I really just want to be sure that I have committed my all into this new phase of my life because I know that once this 100 days are locked in I can surely achieve anything I want..

So phase one here I come once again. Wish me luck and pray for me guys

So yeah guys, that’s it for me.

See you on the next one

Wangechi

One week in and …..

Hey there lovies, welcome back to The transform Wangechi into Wangechi 2.0.

The transformation began in earnest last week and like I told you guys, I had divided the 100 day challenge into sprints and I was working on the first leg of the race. Part one was to weigh myself and take measurements, find a motivational quote and to quit processed sugar and drinks. But heeehhhh…

.Image result for shocked face emoji

The whole weighing and taking measurements part was easy peasy. My sister helped me get all those measurements in and the quotes were easy to find. Beginning was amazing. I started out nicely with my challenge until I had to travel and that brought the first downward spiral. With the enthusiasm of travel, the whole challenge was pushed to the back of my mind and I forgot what goals I had set for myself. Today, Wednesday marks the end of the first 10 days( sprint one) and I must say that I am frustrated in myself quite a bit. I’m not taking it out on myself but  I am however slightly upset that I didn’t make better choices during this time which btw led me to adding weight instead of shedding. I can’t even get myself to take measurements because I can even feel my pants being abit too body-hugging ( LOL).

tight GIF by Debby Ryan

So sprint 2 begins (Thursday 3rd May- Saturday 12th May) and I had to review and reset my goals with regard to how sprint one went down. My goals for the next 10 days include:

  1. Continuing with the no sugar/ processed drinks goal task

I will absolutely continue this until I have it on lockdown. I was researching on sugar and the damaging effects it has on our bodies and I actually stopped using it until I travelled. Isn’t it easier sometimes to just lock yourself in your house and hope the outside temptations just don’t get into your house? How I wish!!

just say no GIF by Dr. Donna Thomas Rodgers

  1. Portion control

Now I won’t lie, I love love love my food. Good food is better than a lot of things that I can’t mention on here( haha). My hips don’t come from an upbringing of restricted eating. I love my chicken and pilau or whatever. My mum and sister are phenomenal cooks so our house is always an exhilarating place to be at dinner time when they are around.

I observed though that my plate could literally outmatch my elder brothers plate and some. You would think that I was a wrestler or body builder packing in that food like I was about to face The Rock in a fight.

Image result for portion control memes

So this one too will be abit hard, but where there is a will there is a way.

I plan on gradually dropping the portion sizes until I get to half the original size which is something to look forward to!!

 

So yeah guys, that’s the update up until this point. For those who are doing the challenge with me I am super excited on hearing back from you about how your first ten days went.

Wish me luck lovies.  

As always,

Peace, love and avocados

wangechi.

My 100 day

Well hello there my lovelies!!

I know its been quite a while since you were here. My apologies, this adulting is turning out to be one helluva ride for me; but I’m sure you guys know what I mean since we are all adulting in one way or another. I hope you are holding tight to that sucker and showing life what an amazing person I know you are 🙂

I have been on a self reflecting journey. Do you know the realest things about a person are normally shown through moments of self reflection? I’ve been tried and tested this past four months and though some scars have for sure been left on me, I am a lot stronger and a much better person. I now know my triggers, what I dislike and like, I finally have a life plan( LOL) and I’m slowly learning to accept things a day at a time( my friends can tell you how hard it is for me not knowing how something is going to go down).

Anywayyyyy… my next three or so months are going to be amazing too. I started the year challenging myself to workout 5 times a week with yoga over the weekend with a target of being fitter and do a handstand at the end of the year. At some point, in march I presume, I got thrown off track and I haven’t done a single burpee since March 12th . That handstand dream is still being dreamt though…hahaha.

 

So I want to do a 100 day challenge which started yesterday (april 23rd). I’ve drawn the plan up in a very precise and attainable way and the reason I’m sharing it is for accountability. I know for sure y’all are going to be on my case till I achieve my goals and that’s exactly what I’m looking for!!! Pressure and accountability not to fall off the wagon.

I’ve gone off tangent( I tend to do that haha).

My 100 days has been divided into SPRINTS. A sprint just means that within the days of the sprint there are certain things I wish to achieve and each sprint adds on from the last one and so forth. Each sprint is 10 days long which is pretty amaze-balls to me and each has a max goal of 4. My 100 day goal ends on July 31st 2018..

If you wish to participate and rock this journey with me send me a DM or  shoot me an email and I’ll fill you in on the upcoming sprint tasks that I have set. OR you could set up your own to accommodate your needs and your daily lifestyle to make sure it is tailored specifically for you which is much better yes?

So here are my sprint 1 goals!! YIPEE!!!!!

  1. Weigh yourself and take measurements
  • So I did this and weeeehhh let me tell you guys that sometimes ignorance is bliss. Hahahaha. I lost a lot of inches and weight during my workout sessions from Jan but I’ve added back to my original start weight and inches.

Due to how personal some stuff ill give you a snippet of some

Start weight:- 86kgs (frown)

Waist- 37

Hips- 48

  1. Eliminate sugar and processed drinks
  • No more soda( sigh), ribenna, afia juice, or any other processed drinks.
  • I’m honestly battling whether to remove wine from this list but wine is good yes? Yes?

 

  1. Find a motivational quote and an inspiration for my weight loss.
  • I found so many but here are the ones that hit home the hardest!

 

Wish me luck!!!

See you on the next one

 

Peace, love and avocados,

Wangechi

 

Dear Kenyans

I write to you today as an individual because I believe that decisions are made at an individual level.

I once heard a story of a man walking down a street. He could hear a dog howling and crying out and because he is a lover of dogs he set out to find where the dog was and how he could help it. A few houses down he found an old man sitting outside his house and his dog was crying out loudly in pain. In shock he asked the man why he wasn’t doing anything about the dog. The old man explained that the dog was sitting on a nail.

“So why won’t you move the dog?” The man asked
The old man replied,” the dog isn’t feeling as much pain for it to move itself, so why should I bother moving him?”

I read this story and thought of us as a country.We are the dog in this story.

We lament and cry out about the state of affairs but we do nothing to help ourselves.

We cry out in pain when our neighbour is injured by police,

we cry out when our daughters and sons are turned away from hospital because of the doctors and nurses strike.

We get angry when teachers strike because our children will stay home and we can’t feed them coz our economy is kinda messed up. Despite all this we do nothing about it.We sit and talk about it with our friends but that’s the end of that story.I’m guilty of it too.

However the most shocking of it all, is how despite sharing the same problems with our neighbour, we pick up stones to injure them because they do not associate in the same political lines as we do.
We have turned a friendly, generous people into hounds out for blood.
Politicians have turned us against each other, have made us angry with each other when the fault lies not with us,but solely on them.
We post angry, hateful, tribal messages online, sharing them via all social media platforms thinking it Is cool to threaten each other.

Where are we going?What are we doing? Do we want to go back to the same place we were in, in 2007 because of two men and their affiliates?
Do we want to scream bloody hell now, to stop the bloodshed that is most definitely coming, and instead scream out WE ARE ONE!!?👏

👪 WE SHOULD BE ONE when the doctors & nurses strike happen, fighting for better services across our health sector.

👪 WE SHOULD BE ONE when the lecturers and teachers strike because our children and all future generations deserve quality standard teaching and learning facilities.

👪 WE SHOULD BE ONE in times of famine and drought, helping each other out with love and kindness.

👪 WE SHOULD BE ONE especially during elections because my neighbor shares in my pain when fuel prices are increased midmonth, when ugali flour suddenly disappears in the shops, when because of poor economy we’ve lost our jobs.

So dear Kenyans, my one request is that for the next two weeks before this upcoming election, we spread peace and share love. We foster kindness and spread joy.

Let us show our children that there is joy in having 45 different cultures and communities living In ONE country. That we are a fuller and richer country because our differences unite us.

Share love and Spread peace

Always, Wangechi

Embrace the ugly, release the beautiful

I used to play victim each and every time something didn’t go my way.

I’d feel horrible and would always blame outside forces for the reason of my failures.

It couldn’t be me, it could only be the circumstances around me.

Why was life this way? Why couldn’t good things happen to me? Why couldn’t I have the kind of life my “friends” have?

This thinking started when I was in class five and has been a leech since then. Some days it gets better and I am able to acknowledge that some of the choices I’ve made haven’t been the best in any way; but sometimes , some days I wallow in the what ifs, in the comparison between myself and my friends; In how they are achieving their goals and I’m still stuck on most of the ones I set at 16. 

From the outside looking in, it may seem that I’ve got it all figured out. 😔 My life seems like a poster of happy living and positivity. It’s not. Everyone’s childhood was tough, mine was no different. Though I grew up hating the circumstances around my formative years, I appreciate them now for I wouldn’t be where I am without the lessons I’ve learnt through each season that came with that childhood. 

I once read a book called “scars to stars” ( or something like that LOL😎 ). I was about 14/15 when I read it and the things I read there are what are influencing me in this moment and time. 
Like I said, looking in everything seems like it’s popping in my life, the smile shows a façade of a life full of joy and true, allowing God in my life has brought most of that in, but some days the smile is a mask to the turmoil inside.😯
By now if you follow my blog you know I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 2 (something I disagree with now😒😒). 

I admit I am a survivor of some serious depression and suicidal thoughts. It has its days and I’m here to just encourage anyone who feels like life is hard that good days are ahead.😊
I thought because of the relationships I saw growing up that I was doomed in the love department, but I met a guy who has loved and embraced all the good and bad in me and loves me despite it all.🙌🙌❤
I thought I’d never grow up to see my dreams of being a doctor come to be, because someone said to me that I’d never amount to anything, but I’m a year shy of graduation( praise Jesus).💃💃
I thought I’d never get to a place of loving myself, because of a lot of nasty things I did to myself and to others, but it’s happening in its own way in its own time.
So you, you who is having a rough time smiling, you there, crying yourself to sleep wondering when the dawn will come.

You holding those pills thinking the end really seems better than the present moment, do hear this.
The best thing the world has ever known is in you. You are loved and appreciated by so many around you. They may not say it often but they do.You are beautiful , amazingly talented, you have the world at your feet and you are powerful. Embrace the power and let your light shine..

If you know someone struggling with depression and suicidal ideation, kindly share this with them.

I am also open to talking to anyone who feels this way. 
I love you folks
Wangechi

Sleeping with the lights on

How do you battle the sadness? That you don’t even know the origin of? How do you cheer yourself up from something you can’t really explain?

“You can’t go back there wangechi..you’ve battled hard for the past half year! Don’t go back!”

I can hear me telling myself, some other part of me that has holed itself in a room, a room with no Windows, afraid of the sunlight because it just reveals too much. It penetrates into the crevices that I once patched up with paper mache and false promises of a better tomorrow, now withered away with even deeper cracks of nothingness.
You’d wonder why, why does depression come to those who seem to have everything going so well for them? A girl with a loving family, pursuing a career with lots of benefits, loved by a number, liked by many. What reasons would she possibly have to be sad?

I desperately search for answers, to why my mind can’t seem to appreciate the sunlight, the clear blue skies and the rainbow over the hills.

I wish I knew, for knowledge is power and I’d finally be able to get rid of the demons that come out from underneath my bed to haunt me as I sleep and remind me that no matter how hard I smile, I am still that girl, the girl with a past she can’t leave behind.

I am Me

It’s mental awareness month and this is something that has been a big part of my life for the past year or so. 

Mental illness in Kenya, let alone Africa is a largely undisclosed disease. No one wants to talk about it let alone fight it. Having suffered through depression for many years before I actually sought help, I always assumed it was my hormones wreaking havoc on my teenage body, or the stress of med school, or the impact of breakups that marred my early 20s. 

Looking back now, a lot of signs were glaringly obvious but because of uneducation coupled with ignorance on the subject matter neither my parents nor myself realised what was happening until it was too late.


Fourth year was the moment I had to seek help because if I hadn’t, I don’t think I would be alive to be honest. Life was kicking my tooshy. I was out of my depth, sinking fast into quick sand and I felt I couldn’t breathe. Many friendships died because I couldn’t and wouldn’t talk about what was happening, leading to me pushing people away for lack of honesty and personal resentment on how peoples lives were seemingly perfect and mine was breaking apart at its seams..


Nothing I did gave me solace or peace. If I wasn’t asleep I was either binge eating or crying myself to the point of puking my guts out in self hatred. 

Life was hard and when I found myself at the edge ready to end it all thinking that was the best way to end the pain and the endless suffocating moments in my life, I knew I needed to seek help before I broke the hearts of all the people I loved and loved me back. 


I won’t lie, stigma is high. It’s everywhere. Its at the psychiatrists office in the waiting room staring back at you waiting for your moment of weakness.

Its in your friends eyes as they try and look at you different but can’t because now you have a big sign over your head that you aren’t “normal”

Its in your parents eyes as they tell you to pray because such notions do not and cannot exist in their house. It must be a devil they say.

It’s looking back at you in the mirror as you fight to smile but find no reason to.


Stigma is everywhere, but what better way to fight the shadows than to get out and shine a light on it.


Lets end the stigma around mental illness. Your brain is still an organ in your body. Treat it with the same respect shall we?

Peace love and avocados

wangechi❤❤

#EndTheStigma #DonotQuarantine #abnormalISTheNewNormal #support #MHAW

Schooled at 22


Turning 22 was a blessing in disguise. At the beginning, I wasn’t very sure how the year would go. Too much emotion, too much baggage and anger still being carried. Things that should never have weighed on me, still had power over me. 

This past 366 days of my year have been life changing to say the least. I have cried, laughed, laughed and cried at the same time, I’ve loved and lost, I’ve learned lessons on loving me first before I could love another and I found joy, joy that is self generated💪💪💪

I got schooled this year. My mind was literally turned inside out

👤here are some of my life lessons 👊👊

1. Your number one supporter should always and I mean ALWAYS be you. 

I always used to depend on other people’s opinions to validate myself. If someone didn’t like something about me then I automatically disliked it to. I was sand on a beach, carried from one end of the ocean to another. I can’t really tell you when the seed was planted but sometime in August, I was just done trying to appease everyone, people with different opinions of how I should be.I broke free and decided to make my own rules and damned if you don’t like me anymore…you gone

2. Comfortzones are for silly willies.

My mother can attest to this fact, every time I did my hair it was always in black braids and almost always the same style. I’ve slowly tried to come out of this habit, trying to evolve and do things I would never have done by doing things on my bucket lists(23 things before I turned 23).

I haven’t done much, but I for sure haven’t lived in the comfort zone much this year. I have approached people I would never have. I speak more on things I’m passionate about. I am trying the whole adventurous bug that is hurting my bank but such is life no?😁😁😁

3. Beauty is skin deep

I have met beautiful, jaw dropping, heart griping, makes-you-stop- and stare beautiful women. I have envied this women and late last year someone who hadn’t seen me before stopped in their track and told me I was beautiful. Looked me straight in the eye and called me beautiful.  it wasn’t the first time I heard that I was beautiful but it was the first time I listened with my heart and not just my ears. 

Lupita once said” you cant eat beauty. It cannot feed you. You can’t depend on how you look to sustain you. What actually sustains you is compassion, compassion for self and for those around you. Such beauty in flames the heart and enchants the soul. There is no shade in that beauty”

That’s the beauty I want to emulate..that’s the beauty I want to grow into. Inner beauty.

4. Celebrate your little achievements every day.

This life lesson came with the little one learning to ride his bike without training wheels. He got done with them one day. Woke up and didn’t want them on his bike no-more.though he isn’t quite as straight riding the bike he gets better everyday through consistent deliberate effort.

He falls, he picks himself and tries again. At that age he hasn’t learnt failure and it’s a beautiful site to behold. When the mind hasn’t closed itself off behind a mask of fear. 

I want to be that fearless. To look failure in the eye and say no, not yet,I’m still going to try, and try and try some more..

5. Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can.

This little life lesson came today actually. I couldn’t change the outcome of a situation that I had put myself in. I was really trying to find a way out and resorted to asking people what they thought of what I did in order to use their opinions to  formulate my own feelings towards the situation. After a while I thought, heck to the no, I looked myself in the mirror and told her to accept the change its not going to change, but in that moment find something about the situation that I liked. And I did and it was empowering. 

There are many life lessons I haven’t shared😛😛 but will definitely share them with y’all in my 23rd year!!

10 minutes to a rebirth..my year of rebirth..wool..can’t wait.
Peace love and avocado.

😊😊😊
Wangechi

Mirror light..dark nights

A little over a year ago, I was at a really bad place in my life. I was having a difficult time. I was in a psychiatric class when we started discussing depression. That wasn’t a term I wasn’t familiar to as I had been labelled depressive by friends, some family members and even some counselors I sought help from.

So a little over a year ago I reached a point where I knew if I didn’t seek help then things would be detrimental for both my family and myself. So I sought out a psychiatrist to help me understand what was happening and that was when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Everyone has had this name before, bipolar, having moodswings and never being normal. People have used it to make fun of others, or to explain what they are currently feeling but Now here I was being labelled with it, a title to carry me for the rest of my life.

At the beginning it was both easy and hard to accept. No one wants to hear that they are mentally ill and not functioning as per normal in the society and on the other hand I was at ease because I finally had something to tie a lot of my life struggle with this depression to. 

Bipolar is a disorder in which you struggle to maintain equilibrium of emotions. You are either tipping to either side and the one I was labeled with was one which tipped more towards the depressive element. It made sense, all the hollowness and sense of death, all the overwhelming desire to just end it all and say good riddance to a life not really lived . Most days I would long to go home and take a nap just two hours after leaving the house.

It had become so easy for me to mask the depression behind a cloak of hard work in my books, or relationships that were one after another. I would put a smile each and every time I would leave the house. I would be enthusiastic when someone told me about themselves than open up about myself.

But I had reached my limit and I was ready to go into the ground showing the world that it is better without me than with me. 

I took medication for almost a year before I saw it fit to stop and not hold the label anymore. Am I bipolar really? I was so dependent on the medication to dictate my day mood that I was no longer in control. 

Why do I share this? Because this mask needs to be shed once and for all. Too many of us live behind this mask that we forget who we truly are and what we truly feel. Depression and other mental illness isn’t a curse, it is a disease of the mind that should be treated just like any other disease that affects the body.

It shouldn’t be hard to talk about this to your family with the fear that they Won’t understand you or help you. 

I am here to anyone to feels like the world is holding the noose abit too tight on their throats. Those who are tired of picking out a mask everyday from their closet, those who feel like no one will understand them and what they are going through. I am here

We shall walk the walk. 
Am I perfect in this journey? No..not at all, but I can use my story and my life to touch but one soul. That’s the reason I am alive today.

if you wish to contact me personally, my details are on my contact me page.

Peace love and avocados