letter to my father 2

Dear dad, daddy, father…
I don’t know how to refer to you. I presume you are so busy “chasing the paper” as we young ones call it, that time hasn’t been on your side to respond to my first letter. Never the less dad, daddy, father( 😦 we need to figure out how I should call you) I feel like I should continue writing to you…it helps me you see; to dig into your mind and maybe just maybe ,figure out what advice or stories you would give me as we sip some cold juice on the swing set outside.

dear
Anyway dad, daddy, father (arrrrghh…here we go again huh ;-)) see I met a man the other day. I don’t know whether to denote to him as a man, a boy or a person as I never did get this lessons from you as I grew up. In spite of this, I met him; he was a gentleman, doing all the nice things, saying all the correct things, laughing at all my kinked jokes (who knew I was funny). He called me beautiful, not sexy, not pretty or cute like a sweater you would see on the window display of Woolworths. Daddy he said my eyes glistened and my smile could light up the room. He called my figure “out of this world” in reference to you know, vital assets your genes in alliance with mum gave unto me your daughter. Dad I think  I know...no I’m not sure but I fell hard and though my mind told me to run and hide because society has taught me that all men are dogs( apologies ) my heart yielded me to stay and hear what he has to say.
Pop, he held me close and he told me his life story and how he came to be who he was. He poured his soul and his thoughts and with every moment I stayed next to him I was in a day dream, transported to another universe where happiness together with giddiness and fear gave equal measure to my catecholamine release and my feet were glued. I couldn’t leave his side, dreading that he may disappear into the night and I may be envisaging this experience. I couldn’t leave it to luck coz my experience with fate leaves me disparaged and torn apart leaving me nude to the harsh environment to laugh and to beat upon me, taunting me of my failures and shortcomings.
So I stayed and soon the night came to an end and we bade our goodbyes, promising to keep in-touch and daddy do you know what he did? He kissed my forehead, as cliché as it may sound, that kiss resonated deep into those dark corners of my heart guarded by soldiers and pain-demons that fear the light of love and hope to dwell on it, lest the gates open. I was in a relationship with fear daddy and I hated him but this man/boy came in and gave me hope.Hope is a dangerous thing this days dad..
So daddy explain to me why he hasn’t called or texted?  :’-( Explain to me daddy please; because I don’t know what men or boys do, how they act, how they think… Who is a man daddy? And who is a boy? Because I have no clue and as days pass on daddy it seems maybe he will turn out to be just like you.

current mood

current mood

As always your daughter

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DEAR MAMA(part1)

I got the mighty anxiety today morning when it finally hit me the severity of me passing medical school.. :-!By severity I mean that it finally dawned on me how so many people look up to me in my very-young-naive life( not that I am complaining). Once you enter med school you seize being just the neighbourhood fellow “Julie” but you are now the family doctor and a significant pillar in the community. All these people are looking up to you; they celebrate when you hit a significant milestone and they weep when you fail to meet a goal or a pass mark.

Regardless since no-one is a genius( that I’ve met so far) failure is inevitable and that is what I experienced today morning.Let me explain ; In med school passing is 50% . Once you attain that 50, you celebrate-jump,scream, ululate, buy a round of drinks or spend your little savings on some random thing and you finally get to let go of that anxious breathe you have been having before results come out.  Even when you get a 50.5% that’s a pass it doesn’t matter YOU ARE ABOVE 50.

So here I am below the 50 mark and my first thought is ” I’ve disappointed my mother.” 😦 ..honestly that broke my heart in ways I cannot even begin to express…so I cried and eventually I called my mother and explained the scenario .
I love my mother for the mere fact that she can uplift you even when you cannot see the silver lining to a very large dark cloud…. 🙂

so this is post is just to thank my mother for being the pillar supporting the pillar…

I DO THIS FOR YOU…
LOVE YOU MAMA :-* :-*

 

because she can and I can't :-)                                                        because she can and I can’t 🙂