Sleeping with the lights on

How do you battle the sadness? That you don’t even know the origin of? How do you cheer yourself up from something you can’t really explain?

“You can’t go back there wangechi..you’ve battled hard for the past half year! Don’t go back!”

I can hear me telling myself, some other part of me that has holed itself in a room, a room with no Windows, afraid of the sunlight because it just reveals too much. It penetrates into the crevices that I once patched up with paper mache and false promises of a better tomorrow, now withered away with even deeper cracks of nothingness.
You’d wonder why, why does depression come to those who seem to have everything going so well for them? A girl with a loving family, pursuing a career with lots of benefits, loved by a number, liked by many. What reasons would she possibly have to be sad?

I desperately search for answers, to why my mind can’t seem to appreciate the sunlight, the clear blue skies and the rainbow over the hills.

I wish I knew, for knowledge is power and I’d finally be able to get rid of the demons that come out from underneath my bed to haunt me as I sleep and remind me that no matter how hard I smile, I am still that girl, the girl with a past she can’t leave behind.

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