Mirror light..dark nights

A little over a year ago, I was at a really bad place in my life. I was having a difficult time. I was in a psychiatric class when we started discussing depression. That wasn’t a term I wasn’t familiar to as I had been labelled depressive by friends, some family members and even some counselors I sought help from.

So a little over a year ago I reached a point where I knew if I didn’t seek help then things would be detrimental for both my family and myself. So I sought out a psychiatrist to help me understand what was happening and that was when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Everyone has had this name before, bipolar, having moodswings and never being normal. People have used it to make fun of others, or to explain what they are currently feeling but Now here I was being labelled with it, a title to carry me for the rest of my life.

At the beginning it was both easy and hard to accept. No one wants to hear that they are mentally ill and not functioning as per normal in the society and on the other hand I was at ease because I finally had something to tie a lot of my life struggle with this depression to. 

Bipolar is a disorder in which you struggle to maintain equilibrium of emotions. You are either tipping to either side and the one I was labeled with was one which tipped more towards the depressive element. It made sense, all the hollowness and sense of death, all the overwhelming desire to just end it all and say good riddance to a life not really lived . Most days I would long to go home and take a nap just two hours after leaving the house.

It had become so easy for me to mask the depression behind a cloak of hard work in my books, or relationships that were one after another. I would put a smile each and every time I would leave the house. I would be enthusiastic when someone told me about themselves than open up about myself.

But I had reached my limit and I was ready to go into the ground showing the world that it is better without me than with me. 

I took medication for almost a year before I saw it fit to stop and not hold the label anymore. Am I bipolar really? I was so dependent on the medication to dictate my day mood that I was no longer in control. 

Why do I share this? Because this mask needs to be shed once and for all. Too many of us live behind this mask that we forget who we truly are and what we truly feel. Depression and other mental illness isn’t a curse, it is a disease of the mind that should be treated just like any other disease that affects the body.

It shouldn’t be hard to talk about this to your family with the fear that they Won’t understand you or help you. 

I am here to anyone to feels like the world is holding the noose abit too tight on their throats. Those who are tired of picking out a mask everyday from their closet, those who feel like no one will understand them and what they are going through. I am here

We shall walk the walk. 
Am I perfect in this journey? No..not at all, but I can use my story and my life to touch but one soul. That’s the reason I am alive today.

if you wish to contact me personally, my details are on my contact me page.

Peace love and avocados

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Self evaluation Take 1

Today, 15.03.2017 would have marked something great for me. Completion of a journey started but never finished, something that would have been life changing if I stuck to the game plan and did what I was meant to do, when I was meant to do it. It’s sad that self discipline, commitment and persistence are some of the traits I seem to be missing this year in doing the things that I am meant to be doing and achieving.

Today is self evaluation day take 1; and some may say that I am being too hard on my self but looking back at all the excuses and self doubt that was said and happened makes me MAD!!!!!!

BUT regardless of that here goes nothing:-


At the beginning of the year I was stoked..this was THE year. THE year of losing weight, THE year to get a mentor , THE year to step out of my comfort zone in regards my life as well as with this blog and to be honest it did start out with momentum and zeal. Ambition plus dertermination is a great fuel for anything that you wish to achieve and in January maaaaannnn I was on fire! 

Everyone knew that I was doing well, achieveing my goals, eating well (better than last year for sure) , doing my mind exercises, drinking lots of water, reading books, laughing more etc etc. But came in February with its cunning smiles and slower days, with the heat and the mental exhaustion from being idle (esp coming from the highs of medical school rushed pace), everything just plummeted from there. My diet became worse, I slept before I did my night routine, I dragged the January book into February, I didn’t do my affirmations nor mental exercises. I was a slob and I excelled at “slobbing” daily..A++++++++😦😦😦😦😦

Miss one day and a trend begins. March did not go any different. Time kept moving but I was still, unmoving, undisturbed by the loss of action in my life yet annoyed that everything is stagnant at the same time <<paradox of the year>>>😒😒😒😒😒

And so brings me to my self evaluation day of which my calender reminded me (I’m that bad😨😨😨). 

Knowing all that, I want to believe that there is a change that will come to me over time between now and June 1st which is self evaluation take 2, so let’s wait and see shall we?

Hopefully there will be some growing up happening in my emotional and mental hygiene.


Peace love and avocados


Wangechi