If I put a hundred shillings every time I said I was starting again,I’d be a rich woman.😒😒 I’d be able to buy as many pairs of shoes I want and not be broke…I mean it!! I have said these words so many times to myself and then did something to negate the whole process and after, I wind up hating that I let myself down once again.
Arghhh how frustrating it is to keep being in an endless loop of changing then backsliding then saying I’m going to be better just to repeat the same mistake over and over.😨😨😨😨😨 Is this how Jesus feels every time we backslide coz now I feel his pain!!!😳😳
Thank the heavens tthat I came across this WONDER OF A BOOK(when I capitalize it means I’m really excited about this book👏👏👏). It’s by a lady called Lysa Terkeurst and it is called unglued you should check it out( http://lysaterkeurst.com/unglued/ )..its basically about making wise choices when your dealing with raw emotions; like when your angry or sad or frustrated.
This October was dubbed the “dark month”…it even surpassed my August phobia really.
I lost myself in that month. If you saw me you probably thought “oh she is fine” but inside I was on a war path against myself. I destroyed every good thing and thought that was in my mind…literally tore myself to pieces thinking about it. I went berserk. Those who saw it unravel can attest to that fact. Have you ever felt like you can see yourself doing stuff but not really be there doing them? Like you were watching a movie of something possessing your body but you can’t get to it and stop it…I’d wake up and think “oh that was a nightmare “but then see how I tore apart some of the relationships I was nurturing and be so confused…like who was that girl who said those things or wanted to do such insanities? That isn’t me…I’m a happy person…I laugh the loudest and speak hope and love. When did I become this possessive, angry person who felt sorry for herself? Who was this girl who stood in the mirror and just wanted to cut away everything and everyone? 😱😱😱
But thank the Lord for friends and for bringing along that book; for it showed me that I let my emotions take root in my mind and in my heart. I didn’t realise that I was letting the devil manipulate my mind telling me things like I wasn’t as pretty as so and so thus my boyfriend will definitely cheat or That my friends were all tired of me and didn’t/couldnt stand me.
The devil targeted the things I hold dear…he went after my hard earned self esteem,after my friendships,after my relationship with God and man, and he just took me to hell with him.
Again though, I found myself turning to God and just learning to let go . Saying it was one thing actually doing it though….wooosh that was another matter!!😕😕😕.
It’s sometimes easier said than done. I got frustrated every time I prayed and told God that I put all my emotions in his hands only to think and replay the motions in my mind. But he who starts a good thing….oh how I see that now. I learnt that a well decorated home isn’t a sign of a well built home. The only reasons that little man got into my head was because I hadn’t protected myself against all that he could do. If things were to get better I had to acknowledge things under the surface that made me “unglued”. I learnt that brokenness is a path to a healthy wholeness and that’s my target.
Let’s take a bresther,that was some heavy stuff wasn’t it??
I made it to November!!!💃💃To be honest guys I wasn’t too sure I would make it here but lookie lookie…Wangechi is here. She made it through, with burns and bruises yes but she made it. Ha!! 🛀🛀I deserve a treat!!
Imperfect progress!! That’s what I’m determined to achieve. You see people assume that progress will come immediately. We tell ourselves that we will change something about ourselves but that doesn’t happen immediately. It’s like losing weight;it just doesn’t happen overnight( though someone should invent a magic pill with no side effects; that would be fantastic!!)
It has to be something that you take the time to work on. Same thing goes without saying with emotions.
We were given emotions to experience life not destroy it!! Don’t you just love that quote??
You have to find a way to release the tensions at the end of the day. I’ve found journaling as a great way…that and I’ve gone back to singing( hey there onyx).
I’ve learnt that as long as I can pick myself up and continue surging forward then I’m making progress. Of course there will be days better than others; Of course there will be a time I may say something that isn’t appropriate and regret later but as long as I realise that I have “fallen” I can pick myself up and continue forward. Call it turning a page…I’m not going to forget what I’ve done or Said but I can work on repairing the things I’ve done. Work on accepting what isn’t right with me to make ME right . Do you get what I’m saying??
Sometimes I just rant and I’m not sure if people actually get me….haha..😁
I won’t be too hard on myself as well because everyone comes with their short comings…mine don’t make me less of a beauty or unworthy of love. It makes me different from everyone and it’s my god given right to use my story to make a change…
I Won’t worry if I don’t see the change now,it’s coming…slow but sure wins the race and I’d rather take the long way than short cuts through.
A journey begins with the first step. I took that step this month and I’m hoping that all the people I took out my frustrations on will find it in their hearts to forgive me…